If I knew then what I know now
I have said these words too many times lately. I am on day three of significant back pain where I catch my breath with the slightest movement. This pain is well earned after countless years of running and endless miles with a 40lb ruck. When I was younger, I didn’t think about the long term effects of my decisions. I didn’t think that what I found as a rhythmic calming cadence of one foot falling after another would lead to compression in my spine, knee injuries, and long nights waking up in pain. Welcome to getting older! I had a dinner scheduled for tonight and was determined to continue with it even if it was difficult to move. Through the years I have learned to “fake it to make it” and this might be one of those nights. The girls had their “tribe” over that they have known since toddlers. It was wonderful to hear the house filled with laughter like so many days in the past. I sat with dear friends and we talked about my injury and I shared my regret of some of my life choices that led to pain today. Neither of them hesitated when they reminded me that at least I lived. That set me back and completely changed my perspective. Solomon reminds us that “with wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief” (Ecclesiastes 1:18, NIV). If I knew then what I know now would I have lived fully? Probably not.
As I sit here writing, still in pain, I realize that it is pain well earned. I laughed tonight as one of my friend reminded me of the time we decided it would be a good idea to run across South Carolina riding in two vans as we relayed across the State. I talked about the numbers that hang on the wall downstairs and remembered running five marathons in one year and how I learned to love the peace and quiet that I found when running. I remember hurting my shoulder and the therapist asking me what changed and I confidently told her nothing as I walked out the door showing her the picture of my new grandbaby…the one that I held in that arm and bounced to calm her to the point of injuring my shoulder. I think of my more than 30 years in the Army and all the places across the world that my boots have touched resulting in compression of my spine and aching joints. All of these memories, all of these moments are of pain well earned. If in wisdom, I would have chosen to not do these things, would I have lived or would I be sitting here healthy but in regret of what I could have done but never did? Would I have placed limits on myself instead of living fully as God intended?
Solomon was right, knowledge, although it is something we seek, makes it difficult to be carefree and live joyfully in the moment. And, as I have learned in this season, as much as we think we can control things, we have no control. As much as I would have tried to limit injuries in the past with the knowledge of today, there are no guarantees that injuries would have been prevented. The guarantee is that I would have lived in fear, without joy, and would be sitting hear with regrets instead of memories of the amazing things I got to enjoy. So, as I sit here in pain for the moment, I give thanks for all that I did to earn that pain!
Today, I pray that you not let the seeking of knowledge limit your living of life. I pray that you create memories that you can look back on and smile when the difficult days come.
I pray these words spoke to you, please share with a friend. Don’t miss a blog, subscribe to my web page.
